Be your own No 1 fan

by | Jun 2, 2020 | Confidence, Leadership, Resilience

When my husband and I first met, he used to joke that he was my “No 1 fan”. He buoyed me up with words of encouragement and celebrated what went well for me. He even came and cheered me on at a tennis match. (He’s still very supportive though, 10 years on, he doesn’t come to watch me play tennis anymore.)

If you’ve got a “No 1 fan” in your life, whether a colleague, friend, family member or partner, then that’s great. However, it’s no good having a cheerleader like this in your life if your Inner Critic – the negative voice in your head – cancels them out.

For example, Jane had just been promoted to Director when we started working together. She couldn’t understand why she’d been promoted and believed the powers that be would soon realise the mistake they made. When they sat her down a few weeks later and said that she had exceeded all their expectations, she still didn’t believe them.

Given our in-built negativity bias, being hard on ourselves comes so much more easily than being nice to ourselves. I wrote an article a few months back called Feed the positive, Starve the negative on this subject which you may want to check out.

The benefits of self-compassion

When I first discovered the concept of self-compassion a few years back, it was a revelation that I could give myself the emotional support I needed without seeking it from someone – or something – else. Self-compassion isn’t about seeing yourself as God’s gift to the human race but is a blend of self-kindness and self-acceptance – treating yourself in the same way you would a loved one, embracing them flaws and all.

Multiple studies show how being compassionate to ourselves enhances motivation, self-worth, resilience and happiness and reduces self-criticism, anxiety and depression. And far from being a self-indulgent practice, research shows that practising self-compassion makes us more likely to be kinder to others – good news whether at home or work.

You’ve got this

One of the key elements of practising self-compassion is positive self-talk. Personally, I find the phrase, “You’re doing really well – you’ve got this” encouraging when I notice I’m beating myself up.

If you find it hard to be nice to yourself, then drawing on supportive characters in your life may work better for you. Rick Hanson in his book, Resilient, suggested having not just one “inner nurturer” but a “caring committee” which may include people you know like friends and family as well as fictional characters like Gandalf.

May I leave you with this short but sweet quote from Byron Katie : “It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine.” 

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Alison Reid is a leadership and career expert. She works with high-achievers who want to step into leadership and take their career to the next level, but who need help to get out of their own way. Sign up for her next webinar "How to have difficult conversations" at

Alison is a speaker, coach and author of the white paper Cultivating confident leadership : A 3-step process to help leaders overcome fear and unleash their potential. Discover more of Alison's blogs and sign up to her mailing list. Watch her resilience webinar "Find your Strong". Sign up for complimentary recordings of her 4-part webinar series "Confidence for Professional Women" . Find out more about working with Alison.