When you don’t speak up in meetings – and kick yourself afterwards

Have you ever come out of a meeting kicking yourself because you didn’t say anything?

This is such a common theme in my coaching conversations with leaders, especially when they’re meeting with authority figures or important clients.

Perhaps you wanted to say something, but the more you thought about it, the more you worried whether your point was valid. Then someone else piped up with exactly the point you were going to make!

Perhaps you were ready to make a point, but you couldn’t get a word in edgeways. And isn’t it rude to interrupt? So you gave up trying.

Perhaps you felt you needed permission to speak because there were more senior people in the room. But nobody invited you to share your opinion.

Why can it feel so hard to speak up?

I reckon there are three main reasons.

1. You’re worried about getting it wrong and looking stupid

I still remember a time at school when I put my hand up to answer a question in an English lesson. The teacher, Mrs Duffy, selected me with an air of “Alison will get this right” (I was quite academic at school) – but I gave the wrong answer.

Mrs Duffy looked surprised and disappointed and my classmates seemed delighted I’d cocked up. Meanwhile, I felt embarrassed and exposed.

Maybe you’ve had similar experiences?

Our schooling taught us that having the “right” answer (the one the teacher was looking for) wins approval. You either got a tick or a cross. You weren’t generally given marks for interpretation.

And as neuroscientists tell us, “We learn not only what to be afraid of, but to never ever forget it.” In other words, we do what it takes to avoid a repeat of humiliating experiences.

If you’re progression’s been grounded in your technical expertise, you’ll put even more store by facts. However, the more senior you become, the more you find yourself in situations where you’re expected to have opinions and insights – and make decisions – when you don’t have all the answers.

2. You’re new in a leadership role, and your stress and anxiety levels have rocketed.

You’re in a new situation with new responsibilities and new stakeholders – and your brain sees all these unknowns as a threat.

Before you were promoted, you knew the people and you felt comfortable speaking from your expertise and experience. Now, your fight flight response is activated because you’re afraid what these stakeholders are going to think of you if you say something wrong. What if they think you’re not up to the job?

Like Sian* who’d taken on a Head of Marketing role in a new organisation. She thought she was pretty confident, but when she moved company, her confidence took a nosedive. Which meant she kept quiet in meetings or held back from saying what she really thought.

3. You think your voice is less important than more senior stakeholders.

I’m thinking of one Director I worked with in a professional services firm. If there was a Partner in a meeting, he’d defer to them, waiting for them to give him permission to speak.

Yet he wanted to be a Partner himself, which meant he needed to be seen and heard to demonstrate his credibility.

From an evolutionary perspective, this makes complete sense – deferring to the leader of our tribe would have been a smart thing to do if we wanted to stay in favour and out of danger. Not so helpful in the modern-day workplace.

The key to speaking up

When you’re worried about what you’re going to say, how you’re going to say it, and what other people might think, there’s one big problem : Your attention is all in your head.

You’re consumed by negative thoughts like, “What if I say something wrong?”, “What if they think I’m stupid?”, “What if I can’t answer a question?”

The more you worry, the more nervous you feel. You might notice you’re feeling hot and bothered, and your heart’s racing.

Which means your attention isn’t on what’s going on around you – it’s on how darn stressed you feel. Which makes it even harder for you to respond and contribute.

Shift your attention

The next time you’re in a meeting which makes you feel nervous, try these tips to shift your attention out of your head and into the present :

• Be curious. What questions can you ask to put the attention on the other people in the meeting? Focus on their worries rather than yours.
• How can you help? Rather than dwelling on what you think you’re lacking, think about the value you can bring.
• Be mindful. For example, notice the details of what other people are wearing. Focus on everything that’s red in the room. Anything to get out of your head and stay out!

It isn’t easy to speak up when the stakes feel high and anxiety takes hold. These tips will help, but they’re only a starting point. If you’d like to explore how coaching can help you master your mind, manage your state and communicate with impact, book a call with me.