If you hate letting people down, read this

If you’ve opened this article, I’m guessing that, like so many of the leaders I work with, you’re afraid of letting people down, whether it’s your boss, colleagues or team members.

I’m thinking of one new Operations Director I worked with – I’ll call her Val. Val wanted to prove to The Powers That Be that they made the right decision promoting her. She didn’t want to let anyone down because – in her mind – that would show she wasn’t up to the job.

Her strategy was to try to keep on top of everything where “everything” meant everyone else’s requests in addition to her own priorities. And that meant she was overwhelmed and on the verge of burn-out.

When we’re afraid of letting people down, we’re fearful of not meeting their hopes and expectations of us – or, at least, what we perceive those hopes and expectations are.

Ultimately, we’re afraid of disappointing them. And is there anything worse than someone telling us, “I’m disappointed in you”?

It makes complete sense to want to keep people happy.

We’re wired to avoid rejection which means we like to please people. The problem is when we translate “not letting people down” as “meeting everyone’s hopes and expectations”.

Of course, there’s important stuff we need to deliver and stakeholders to report to.

But what about the colleague who wants to bend your ear – yet again – about something they’re frustrated about?

Or a team member who always seems to be bugging you for answers?

Or email requests for help – someone else’s priority that they’ve lobbed over the fence into your inbox?

Don’t let them make their problem your problem

When I was volunteering in Zambia 20 years back, I made friends with a lovely South African lady called Sharene.

At one point, I was having a low patch and must have been moaning to Sharene about my lot. Something she said stayed with me : “Don’t make your problem my problem.”

She meant that, whilst she was happy to be a listening ear, it was my responsibility to solve my issues, not hers.

People will ask you for help. They may hope – or expect – you will help them. That doesn’t mean you should. Don’t let them make their problem your problem.

For example, one recently promoted senior director I worked with felt he had to answer all his emails because he didn’t want to be “rude” and let people down. Yet allowing others’ requests of him to take up his time meant he was working late into the evenings and on weekends to get his own work done. Understandably, he felt stressed and exhausted.

You may feel like you’re disappointing people, but is that true?

To disappoint means, literally, to break an appointment. People may feel disappointed if you decline their request to help, or not answer their email, even though there is no “appointment” to break.

But they might not. Other outcomes could be :

The email lobber isn’t surprised when you don’t reply – you’re senior and busy. They’ll try again if it’s important, or find another source of help.

The team member who relies on you for answers is forced to use their initiative and gains confidence in the process.

The colleague who bends your ear finds another willing ear, or is forced to figure it out for themselves.

Don’t worry about letting people down if there’s nothing to let them down from!

This isn’t about being disrespectful or rude. It’s about making choices that help you focus on what’s important so you can lead with impact – and not burn out. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you focus on what matters :

• What are you here to do as a leader?
• What or whose expectations are important for you to meet?
• Where do you need to be careful not to take on others’ hopes and expectations of you, real or perceived?