Are your assumptions holding you back?

I’ve been revisiting a great little leadership book that I often send out to my coaching clients, Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps : How to thrive in complexity by Jennifer Garvey-Berger.

It’s about how some of the quirks of our human wiring can sabotage us in the modern world. I particularly wanted to dip into her chapter about the mindtrap of what she calls “simple stories”.

It’s something that’s been coming up a lot with the leaders I work with lately : our tendency to make unhelpful assumptions about the world around us.

And assumptions are, essentially, stories we make up and believe to be true without any proof.

For example, Steve* is drowning in work, but he feels he can’t delegate to his team because he assumes they’re too busy to take on more. So he ends up taking on too much himself and driving himself to the edge of burn-out.

Or Jane*, a new Director. When her promotion was announced at a leadership meeting, she noticed a look of shock on a colleague’s face and assumed this meant they didn’t think she deserved to be promoted. Already feeling like an impostor, Jane’s confidence spiralled down even further.

I caught myself doing this the other day. A woman at the tennis club who I’d talked to recently gave me what felt to me like a hostile stare. My immediate thought was, “I must have offended her”. I later found out that she has a mental health condition that impacts the way she relates to people. It wasn’t about me at all (well, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t!).

When our stories are too simple

It’s natural for us to make assumptions – it’s our brain’s way of processing a huge amount of sensory information to make sense of the world around us. The problem is when we act from them without catching and questioning them.

Garvey-Berger talks about how, as humans, we’re wired for stories to make sense of the world. Stories help us link disparate pieces of data, create a narrative about what happened and assign characters.

However, because we like everything tied up with a bow to give us a sense of certainty and safety, we’re at risk of making these stories – or assumptions – too simple. For example :

• We decide cause and effect – they look angry, so I must have done something wrong.
• We assign heroes and villains, especially villains. For example, “they’re attacking me” or “they’ve got it in for me”.
• We cherry-pick data that reinforces what we believe and ignore what doesn’t. For example, Sarah*, a Head of Finance, arrived at our coaching session having received a 360 feedback report. I’d read the report and the feedback was excellent. But when I asked how she felt about it, Sarah zoned in on one tentative comment that said she could “perhaps have more confidence when presenting”.

There’s also research that tells us that, if we feel anxious or fearful, we’re likely to misread cues from others. In other words, we assume a threat where there isn’t any.

How to avoid assumptions undermining our leadership

We can’t stop ourselves making up stories and assumptions. It’s what humans do. But we can get better at catching, challenging and changing the way we think about things so that we can lead at our best.

Here’s 4 strategies to help you :

1) Fact not fiction

When you catch yourself getting worked up about a situation, see if you can get back to what is fact rather than speculation. For example, if you feel your manager doesn’t value you because they keep rescheduling 1-1s with you, the fact is that they have rescheduled the meeting twice. But the belief that they don’t value you is an unhelpful story.

2) Them not you

What if their behaviour has nothing to do with you? What if their dog has died, or they’ve had a bad night’s sleep? Or what if their seemingly aggressive behaviour is because they’re consumed by the fear of failure?

As Mo Gawdat writes in Solve for Happy, we act as though we’re the star of our own movie, but most of what happens around us isn’t about us at all!

3) Make up other stories

Garvey Berger suggests making up at least 3 different stories about a situation, especially when you’re convinced you’re right. This builds your muscle in holding different perspectives – which allows for more possibilities.

For example, if a senior stakeholder dismissed your contribution in a meeting and you think it’s because they don’t rate you, different stories could be : they’re under a lot of pressure and needed to get through the agenda, they had an argument with their spouse this morning, or they thought it was a great idea but didn’t want to admit it in front of other people.

4) Reach out

One of the best ways to challenge your stories is to check your assumptions with others. For example, Steve, who was holding back from delegating, asked his team members if they had capacity to take on a project rather than acting from his assumption that they were too busy.

And remember the new Director who thought a colleague’s facial expression meant they didn’t approve of their promotion? She spoke to her colleague who admitted that she had been shocked, but only because it was the first she’d heard of it – she was delighted for Jane and thought it should have come earlier.

*Steve, Jane and Sarah aren’t these leaders’ real names, and the details of their situations have been altered slightly for confidentiality.