One thought can change everything

A few weeks ago, I shared some thoughts on managing my inner critic — and how the noise in your head can feel a bit like a house party.

Gatecrashers (unhelpful thoughts) come in uninvited, making a lot of noise, and your challenge is to spot them, throw them out and replace them with empowering, supportive guests (helpful thoughts). 

I’ve been using the metaphor to help my clients master their mind.

For some, the challenge is realising they have gatecrashers, that their inner critic isn’t real. For others, it’s getting them to leave. And for some, it’s finding more helpful guests to replace them. 

But taking back control of the party in your head can also be quick work – one empowering thought can make all the difference.

Meet Stephen 

I recently started working with a Director called Stephen who struggled with procrastination. 

When he had an important report to write, he’d find anything else to do rather than get started – until he had no choice. 

As the deadline approached, he felt increasingly stressed. He lost sleep and berated himself for not being able to get on with the job. 

The house party in his head was not a fun place to be. 

Policing the party 

When we tuned into his gatecrashers, the loudest one was saying, “What if you make a mess of this? You’ll be managed out of the business.” 

(The truth is that, nine times out of ten, Stephen does a great job. But gatecrashers aren’t in touch with reality – it’s not negative enough for them!) 

We started experimenting with more empowering guests he could invite to his party, Stephen came up with : “You can do it, you know how to do it, and, if you don’t know, you can ask for help”. 

But it wasn’t sitting quite right. 

Stephen worked with qualified engineers – but wasn’t one himself.

We discovered a gatecrasher lurking in the shadows saying, “You’re not qualified, you haven’t got the right experience to do a good enough job.” 

What we identified he did bring, that the engineers didn’t, was his ability to make the complex simple. It was the reason he was in his leadership role in the first place. This was an a-ha moment for Stephen. 

From procrastination to action 

Stephen had an important task he could practise on straightaway and committed to taking action by the end of the week. I offered to check in with him in a couple of days.

Before I had the chance, he’d messaged me to say he’d done everything he’d committed to – and it felt great. 

Over the next couple of weeks, he refined his Empowering Party Guest (in other words, a particularly helpful thought) to this :

“I can do it. I have all the skills, knowledge and experience I need to do the job well. If I need to, I can ask for help.” 

He told me that when he wrote it down – twice for emphasis! – he literally felt his synapses ping. A visceral experience of rewiring his brain :

“Just that one sentence has literally shut down a whole ton of negative internal noise. No wonder I was so anxious!” 

Keeping the party in check 

Stephen’s also been using the technique when, for example, he wakes up in the middle of the night worrying. He spots and turfs out the gatecrasher, reinstates his empowering guest/thought, and gets into action – rather than engaging in endless rumination and self-criticism. 

His feedback? 

“The impact of the new house guests has been remarkable. I’m much less anxious 95% of the time and, when I do find anxiety creeping in, I’m able to have a much more positive internal dialogue. Plus I’m much better at focussing on things and cracking on.”

Who’s at your party?

Next time you notice you’re feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, try asking, “Who’s at the party in my head?”

Be on the alert for gatecrashers – they may sound like they know what they’re talking about, but they’re full of hot air. Show them the door and decide what guests you’d like to take their place.

Remember : one thought can change everything.

*Stephen is a fictional Director based on real-life clients